it really feels like this came out of nowhere, this sudden anger at an old friend of mine. he stopped being my friend while we were in college, when he felt that i was not being a friend to him. the problem is, he was right. i was not there for him when he needed me, and i took and still take full responsibility for that, and know i caused him an unbearable amount of pain when he most needed me. i felt bereft when we stopped being friends, devestated that such a friend-of-the-heart would be lost to me forever. i tried over the years to make contact with him but he didn’t seem to want to hear from me. i’ve offered him heart-felt apologies, but he doesn’t want them.
but now, suddenly, i am filled with anger. maybe it’s the stages of grief. i don’t know.
i feel angry and hurt that he didn’t understand that when things fell apart, it was one of the worst years i had lived through. i was struggling in school, i felt lost and at odds with my beliefs and morals, i had made a horrendous mistake in my personal relationship that i still consider my great regret to date, i was under extreme financial stress about the cost of school & housing, i was being used by my roommate as an emotional dumping ground (and i was too naive at the time to understand the situation and get out of it), my family was going through some of the worst times we had been through, my mom had just given away our family dog, and i just couldn’t do anything right, get anything right. the only thing i had been confident about, which was being “smart”, i had lost. i felt like i had no one, and could no longer stand under my own stress and grief. in my lost state, i got involved in a situation that i believed was vacant of emotion on both sides, but i was wrong, because i’m not built that way, no matter what i tried to believe. in the midst of this, i was so ashamed of my mistakes and inability to cope that i stopped corresponding with my friend. i wrote him brief responses to his emails, telling him i was running off and that i’ll write him more later. later just never happened because i could never get my thoughts together enough, could never put to words the idiocy i was engaging in in every aspect of my life. i felt like such a … loser that i couldn’t face myself or him.
and i understand how it must have been from his side. he poured himself out to me, just as i used to to him, and he was in unfamiliar and stressful circumstances too, and i appeared to be shrugging him off, not just once, but over and over again.
so, i lost him.
where does this anger come from? it’s not fair, i think i know that. but i’m angry that he didn’t understand my pain and confusion and my inability to be his anchor. i also needed an anchor. neither of us could be that for each other, because we were both so lost. but he’s the one that walked away from the closest friendship either of us had ever had, and i was the one that got left behind. and that’s why i’m angry. because i was a shitty friend to him, and in return, he was a shitty friend to me, when we both needed it most. isn’t that really stupid of me to be angry at him about that? but there it is. it was the most unencumbered, simple, yet complete friendship i had ever had with anyone, and it was gone.
so, i am angry.
i’m sure this feeling will pass in a matter of hours, and i’ll be able to see my foolishness clearly. i see it now, but it’s a bit hazy.
it’s likely that over time, the simple, unencumbered friendship would have deteriorated by itself. nothing can be too simple for too long, i think. all my other important relationship are complex — seppo and i have a complex relationship, and he’s the most important person in the world to me, even beyond my blood relatives. my mom and i have a complex relationship, but it’s undeniable that i love her and will love her until the day i die.
maybe it’s that i miss the simplicity of it because friends don’t have to figure out the things that family and life partners have to figure out. but people are wrong when they say men & women (or people in the “attractive gender pool”) can’t be friends. because we were friends. maybe it’s because we were kids, really, and not really a man and a woman. it just wasn’t that way between us.
i am only posting my net assets because it’s negative. if it were positive, no one would ever know, as i’d be squirrelling my moolah away from the world’s prying eyes. either that, or i’d be yelling, “i’m rich, biotch!” (tm Dave Chappelle) from the rooftops.
so here it is.: -$193,863.66
it’s a slow day at work, so i have a couple of random thoughts here and there. calling them “ruminations” is probably hyping the situation a bit. let’s see..
Seppo has been working like a dog at his job, and i hope he gets some downtime after this week. the guy certainly deserves a break after the hours he’s been working.
i just finished writing a stand-alone app for the palmOne Treo600, and i had a damn good time doing it. it’s a directory/file browser for the SD card, and it show only file types that have registered viewer applications, kind of like a very limited FileZ, with the added feature of being able to launch apps from it, instead of just browsing around for info. the reason i am just starting to have a little downtime is because we built our first release release candidate last week, and this week’s candidate seems to be the one that will be released to manufacturing. the product looks good! i’m really proud of the team and the product. i haven’t felt this “solid” about a release in a long time, because this team was so well-supported.
i’m curious about what i’ll be working on in the coming months. one of my teammates told me i need to be vocal about projects that i’m interested in, and i agree, except that everything is interesting to me right now. 🙂
my sister’s b-day is coming up soon. i have bought her some books and picked up a little thing for my big niece. i will prob pick up a few more things before sending them off, but i’m running out of time. heh. this is so typical of me.
i hope this “steel” thing that my sis & brother-in-law are trying to get going works out. it’ll be a lot of money for putting the right people and projects together. they deserve some time of financial ease. they hope to sell the factory, but the guy who claims he’s interested keeps changing his mind. i hope they sell up and move to the US. it’d be nice to have them closer, so i can see my nieces grow up.
last week on thursday, my manager came upon me in my cubicle as i was banging my head against a large, high visibility bug (against which, by the way, i’m still doing the head-hanging thing — it would be better if there was some hair metal in the background), and asked me if i had a couple of minutes to spare.
gulping nervously, i let him lead me into a small meeting room, feeling like i knew what was coming. honestly, i didn’t think he was going to berate me, but i was fairly certain that he was going to say that he was going to take the bug and give it to someone else because he felt like i was underperforming and endangering the project, although a tiny part of me actually feared an honest-to-goodness berating.
instead, he whipped out an amex gift check for $100 and told me that it was a show of appreciation from the company, and that he wished it was bigger for how hard everyone was working, but that budgetary concerns put a hard limit on it.
i totally almost cried, but sucked it up and was all, “dude, that’s it?” ok, i didn’t say that, so you can stop yourself from passing out from indignation. [this does remind me of the time that one of my managers came upon me and said “looks like you’re working hard!” whereupon i gave him the double finger-point and said, “hardly working!” i almost slapped myself over that one.] i told him how much i love my job and enjoy the project and the people i get to work with. i tried not to gush too much, but it was hard, as i genuinely love my job.
whoa. i don’t know what’s happened since i got back from korea. i feel like i haven’t had a chance to breathe. work has been quite hectic, but i’m not complaining yet. well, not too loudly. 🙂
seriously, my brain is so full of this one particular bug that i’m working on that i can’t think of a single thing to write in this entry. hmm, let’s see… joe t. comes back in a couple of days. roopa is now in costa rica. uyen & charles will be coming back up to visit two weekends in a row. it’ll be so nice to see them! seppo’s dad’s company may get funding, if the details get settled.
if only i were done with this bug, i’d be extremely happy. as it is, i’m pretty happy, but it’s taken over about 96% of my conscious thoughts. actually, it’s been bugging me in my sleep too. i’ve been on this bug for 10 days. it makes me feel worried for the outcome, since we are so close to release, and it makes me feel like i look bad. boo.