the lies we tell

I have a very good body image. I’ve always consciously striven to be a person who can look objectively at her own body and not be filled with self-loathing or over-inflated ego. I think I look fine. I could use some toning here and there, and maybe dress up more often, but overall, I don’t look bad. I know what my good physical traits are and I know what my not-so-good physical traits are.

I’ve been socially conditioned to lie though. Somewhere along the line, I must have learned that people identify more easily with others when you show a vulnerability. So while I feel in general good about myself, if a girlfriend is feeling bad about her body, I’ll not only point out what great features she has and that she’s seeing herself in a warped light (which is almost always the case), I’ll also point out something similarly “bad” about myself, even though I don’t feel bad about it.

In a similar vein, when in the course of ordinary conversation, it is appropriate for me to comment that I have big thighs and legs for someone of my general size (I assure you that I don’t just bring it up for no reason — heh) in a conversation that is not about feeling bad about body image, even when I’m very careful to convey that it is not something I view as negative at all, the other person (generally a woman) is very very quick to say something like, “No, your legs aren’t big! They look fine!”

I can’t tell if they are just trying to make me feel “better”, or if they really believe it. I can’t really think it’s the latter. Heh. I think in general, people expect others to either have a bad body image or be an arrogant asshead, so it is confusing to deal with someone that has a fairly realistic assessment of themselves (or so I think I do). I mean, I have big legs and forearms like I’m 5′ 4-1/2″ and Asian. It’s just who I am. I kinda prefer big legs to skinny legs anyway. Heh.

Anyway, it seems like in the quickness to assure me that my legs are not big, the person actually ends up adding to the general public opinion that big legs are bad and to be avoided. So they are trying to be nice, but given that I have big legs, if I started to listen to carefully, I could start to get self-conscious about them. Hahahaha.

Wow. That was a pointless post. Hahah.

relationships

In a person’s life, there are many relationships. Seppo and I got to talking late last night about our relationships with our parents and friends and with each other, and how each of these affects the other ones.

Generally, I think there are two or more phases to the beginning of a relationship. There is the phase where you are getting to know each other, having a great time, taking it easy, and generally trying to figure out if you are gonna end up caring about them in a bigger sense. Then there can be the phase after you’ve decided that you do care enough about them to work at the relationship. This is the beginning of a sense of commitment. Then you may or may not move into a long-term commitment.

I think that what I notice about myself in the past and in my friends is the desire to slip into a feeling of commitment before the two people involved even know if they like each other enough to really genuinely work at it. People want the best of all worlds: the rush of the courtship, the security of commitment, the comfort of familiarity, and the excitement of mystery, and we want it all at the beginning. But that’s simply not reasonable.

I think it’s important to take the time to enjoy the first phase for what it is (a getting-to-know-you phase — even if you are friends who are starting to date, it is important to realize that there may be different expectations in what you want from a friend and what you want from someone you are dating). I think it’s easy to jump ahead and wonder if you can make things work in the long term with the person, and keep yourself from enjoying the process of getting to know a person. This part shouldn’t be work. If it’s work at this point when you are just getting to know them, then I feel like it may not be worth trying.

The important thing to realize is that someone that you are great with in phase one is not necessarily someone you want to work at a relationship with, and it may not be someone you want to evolve into a long term relationship with. You have to decide that there is enough mutual caring with someone that you are both willing to work hard at making the relationship work. No relationship will be without work.

I think that when I was younger, I assumed that if I liked/cared about/loved someone, it automatically meant that it was a committed, life-long relationship, and that I couldn’t just enjoy it, evaluate it, and learn from it. You can love a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean a relationship will work with most of them.

I think I’ll leave this half-finished and get back to this topic later. It’s been on my mind a lot lately.

habits to acquire

• No more parking self in front of computer at home and no non-critical & specific use after 9pm.
• No more than 2 hrs of tv per day, and no more than 10 hours total per week.
• Do at least one household chore every day (no matter how small).
• Get to bed by 11pm.
• Mull over each potential purchase item for an additional week before committing to purchase.
• Get back into habit of importing banking/credit card data to Quicken in order to analyze where I am spending money.
• Buy birthday presents for people a month or more in advance if finances allow it.