"It’s ok."

People say, “It’s ok,” a lot as a response to someone’s apology. Sometimes, there is nothing behind the statement. It’s clear, it’s on the surface, and it’s really ok. Sometimes, a person is being passive-aggressive, and things are not ok, but they want the other person to grovel.

I’m not interested in those to scenarios. I’m more interested in a third scenario. Consider this:

Person A is upset that Person B was late [for an important date!]/forgot a promise/let Person A down in some way. Person B feels something in the range of mildly apologetic to completely distraught over the issue and apologizes to Person A. Person A, while upset, is a compassionate/empathetic friend and can see that Person B feels bad. Person A doesn’t want Person B to feel bad over the issue and, being fully satisfied that Person B brought it up and apologized, tells Person B, “It’s ok.”

This is the standard operating procedure for most people I know. On the surface of things, it seems like a nice way to deal with things, especially among friends. However, I’ve learned that this can be quite a bad way to deal with things.

If you are Person A, and in your haste to reassure your friend Person B that they shouldn’t feel bad, you always tell them that it’s ok, then Person B can’t accumulate a body of knowledge about which commitments to you you prioritize and which ones really are things you simply don’t care two figs about. Honestly, I could not care two figs, or even 10 figs (figs: the universal currency of caring), if you are 5 minutes late to meet me. But I know it is important for some people. And with some other peoeple, I can’t tell if it’s important to them because of the standard, “It’s ok,” response. I do care when someone is 30 minutes late and I had told them I had something else I needed to do right afterwards. Note: There is an extra problematic element when, in my desire to keep the other person from feeling bad, I don’t tell them that I have a bunch of things I wanted to do that day. Don’t be like that.

On the most basic level, Seppo and I communicate in completely and utterly different ways, both with many built-in pros and cons of their own. However, in order to work as a couple and as friends, we’ve had to build some severely impressive communication bridges — bridges that now help me to communicate more effectively with other people in my life. I will contend the same is true for him, regardless of what he has to say about the matter. ;p Heh.

Anyway, one of those things we learned is how to say — instead of “It’s ok” — “It was really inconvenient/stressful/upsetting that you did XYZ, but I am really glad and grateful that you brought it up and let me know that you regret it. And because you realized that it was important to me, it really means a lot to me and it’s ok… As long as this never happens again ,which would force me to stab you through the eye with my pencil!”

Ok, maybe not that part.

In summary, rather than:

• Smoothing over the other person’s upset feelings

which does not reward or inform the friend, you should:

• Express why it upset you (which informs the friend)
• Express gratitude that they brought it up (which rewards the friend)
• Let go of the anger (which rewards the friendship)

Optionally, you can also make a joke. I don’t think either of us does it on purpose, but Seppo and I come out of most of our fights/arguments, even the worst kind, having laughed a couple of times throughout the discussion. It’s great and reminds you that you are not adversaries. We do crack comments like the one above, with the eye-stabbing pencil. 😀 It says that it’s high on your priority ladder, but that you are truly willing to move on.

Of course, it’s not recommended with people who would get severely pissed off if you joked during a serious moment… 😀

Just say no to “It’s ok,” unless you really, honestly, truly mean it and it did not even remotely upset or affect you at all. It doesn’t help you and it doesn’t help your friend. It’s such a reflexive action for most people I know to try to keep other people from feeling bad. Between people who communicate with the exact same nuances, it can be ok (heh), but since most of the world doesn’t operate exactly the same way as you, it’s better to say the difficult words.

By the way, I am not endorsing freaking out on a friend and not caring at all that they are feeling bad and apologetic. 😀 Be kind, be caring, but let them know the truth. You can’t learn and grow if everything is swept under the rug.

Memory

I read some tips on improving memory on Real Simple via LifeHacker.

I think I do most of these things already, but I find more and more that lately, I can’t recall people’s names, and more and more often, things are “on the tip of my tongue”, whether they are movie lines or coworkers’ names or just random words I want to use. It kind of makes me worry.

Seppo would say that it’s time for me to start playing Brain Age.

Word

I have yet another new word to introduce to you. I can feel the excitement in the air. Or maybe that’s just smog. It feels similar.

I was composing an email to my project manager to inquire about the location of the latest version of our project schedule, when I managed to make a typo, giving birth to this word. *tries not to imagine giving birth*

scheduel: (v) To push and shove and manipulate to get the project milestones and deadlines to fall where you want them to. Often occurs between marketing and R&D as a result of differing priorities. Very similar in usage to “schedule” but with some inherent combativeness. “We have been schedueling this multi-team, multi-year project for so long now that I am tired of the bickering and may just give in.” “We’ve successfully scheduelled the milestones we wanted! Go team! Now I need a nap.”

Word.

Honeymoon: Day Five in London

For some insane reason, Seppo woke up at 5am on Friday, April 14, 2006. Apparently, he had upsetting dreams about the house and couldn’t fall back asleep. He watched “Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle” on the PSP and thought about the house and Afterburner. I don’t know; ask him.

A leisurely four and a half hours later, I woke up and joined Seppo in the land of the living. We headed out to easyInternetcafe at Bond Street again, and sadly realized that the afternoon tea at Fornum & Mason that we tried to book via TopTable did not go through as a result of F&M celebrating Good Friday.

We headed over to Buckingham Palace, which, after all the beautiful buildings we had seen, was frankly quite disappointing.

Even more disappointing was the fact that there would be no changing of the guards due to it being Good Friday. Oh well.

We roamed around and found some cheap Indian food nearby. We figured having Indian food in England should be an interesting experience, as it is far more ingrained in British cuisine & culture than it is in ours. However, our meal at Cafe Mumbai was pretty unimpressive. It was just like having Indian food in the Bay Area. But we readily admit that we did not go to some really upscale, well-known place. We figured we wanted to see what the normal people get. Plus, we were hoarding our pounds like nobody’s business.

We came back to the hotel after lunch to take a nap, since Seppo was exhausted from his early morning non-sleep.

After getting up around 5pm, we went to Convent Garden and walked to Rock & Sole Plaice, supposedly the oldest fish & chips shop still open or something, to grab dinner.

I have to say that the Cornish Pasty & chips I had were fantastic. Seppo had the cod & chips and it was flaky, golden brown, and delicious. Sure, we were left with a slightly queasy feeling after all the fried food, but it was still delicious.

We walked over to Leicester Square from there, and I have to say that the area between the places was really fun & hip. It was bustling & humming with little shops and street vendors and tons of restaurants. We wished we had come to this area sooner on our trip. Oh well.

We walked back to Leicester Square from there, and sat on a bench and people-watched.

It was brimming with people. We happened to sit by three rowdy drunken Eastern Europeans who got fussy with the bobbies (three of them) regarding their illegal public drinking. The bobbies started out nice and cordial, smiling as they asked the three people to put away their open drinks, but for some reason, they didn’t want to cooperate, so the bobbies started to get tough. Hee. We were pretty fascinated with the idiocy of the drunkards but we vaguely worried that we’d accidentally get pulled into the bobby-beatdown that we were sure was going to ensue at any moment. We turned out to be wrong though, must to my relief and disappointment. Seppo observed randomly that the woman bobby had a smaller hat. Ok.

After some unknown amount of time of hanging around (I think we spent several hours there, but I am not sure), we decided to head back to the hotel. On the way back, we stopped by the corner store to grab some chocolate junk food. 😀