Conditioned reflex

Huh. So I just figured out another piece of the puzzle. All throughout my life, every single time I’ve tried to talk about my feelings when I’m upset, whether I am angry or sad or frustrated or enraged, I choke up and my eyes tear up. Every. Damn. Time. It doesn’t matter that I HATE, absolutely loathe crying (when not about tearjerker stories, because for some reason, I love this type of crying :D), especially in front of others. It’s like a reflex I can’t control. I don’t want pity, I don’t want to “win” by crying, I simply want to explain what I’m angry/upset about, and it completely undermines my stance when I get all weepy and, frankly, makes me look and sound weak.

Anyway, today, my smaller niece was crying and crying today (again) and she wouldn’t stop. My mother told her that she needs to use words to explain why she is upset and not just cry because no one can fix anything if all you are doing is crying and all it does is annoy everyone and tire her out. I’m totally in support of this stance. It makes sense and it encourages examining and verbalizing the problem.

Watching the scene though, something suddenly clicked. From the time I was in diapers to the time I left my home to go to college, the only times I’d really had to speak about my feelings was when I was already so upset that I was already in tears. It was mostly because I was not the type of person who normally spoke about her feelings. I remember being in junior high and high school and hiding in my room to cry because I didn’t want to be forced to explain something I was not prepared to explain.

Thinking back, I think I must have formed some sort of conditioned response to speaking while being choked up, reversing the two events such that when I actually want to talk about my feelings, I immediately choke up.

How very annoying.