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May 2006

Knowing yourself

May 23, 2006   

I feel like I know myself pretty well. But the other day, I stopped to think about what I know about myself (and the world) now, versus what I thought I knew about myself (and the world) ten years ago.

I thought I knew it all! I already thought I knew myself pretty well back then. I honestly thought I could assess myself, my motivations, and my actions pretty well. But when I think about how much more I know now, I realize I was a buffoon. And certainly, my 20 year old self thought my 10 year old self didn’t know crap, but I was already a know-it-all by then.

And most undoubtedly, I will think of my almost-thirty self as a buffoon of supposed-self-awareness when I am forty. 😀

And I’m ok with that. As long as I realize that I have a long way to go, and that I do not in fact know it all, I think I’m doing ok.

A part of the problem of maintaining a web presence is that I can find crap I wrote 10 years ago:

in 7th grade, i was what they called in the earlier sixties a hair-hopper. go rent “hairspray” if you don’t know what i mean. anyway, i had big hair, and i was much into being popular. hahahahahah. will i be laughing at the way i am now, in about 10 years? nah, it’ll happen much sooner than that. [snip] since i am now 20, i can act as if it’s been ages since i was a teen. it’s some sort of a law written in some sort of a guide book for ahem, adults.

OMG, I read some of the stuff on that page and want to run away screaming in horror, but hey, a part of self-awareness is looking back at who I was and… uh… shaking my head at myself and running screaming into the night examining the multiple ways in which I have changed.

I used to be much harder, harsher, judgmental, self-righteous, and black & white about things. I’d so kick my ass if I met past-self on the streets. Except I wouldn’t want to be a bully. Hmm.

Now, I’m much more cognizant of subtleties of individual situations and the grays in life. I’m much more loving & forgiving of myself and the people around me. I’m much better at being a friend to someone, although I still need a lot of work ahead of me.

Overall, I’m quite happy with who I am and who I am learning to become.

When I’m 40, I’ll surely link back to some crap I wrote this year. 😀