Californian?

Last night, as I was walking Mobi around for his evening walk, I stopped to think about how many years I’ve been living in California. I’ve been here 8.5 years now. Holy moly. By the end of next year, I’ll have lived in California longer than anywhere else in my life.

• Ages 0-7 years and 2 months: South Korea. Within Korea, I lived in at least three different places. I attended part of first grade.
• Ages 7 years and 2 months to 8 years and 9 months: New York. I lived in two different relatives’ houses, then in two different apartments. I attended two different schools.
• Ages 8 years and 9 months to 18 years and 2 months: Philadelphia. I attended three different schools and lived in one rental then our first owned home. I lived in that house for 6.5 years. That’s the longest I had lived in one location ever.
• Ages 18 years and 2 months to 19 years and 10 months: Cambridge. I lived in a co-op of 30-some MIT students.
• Ages 19 years and 10 months to 22 years and 2 months: Boston. I moved across the river to Boston to live with my sister (and roommates) in an apartment.
• Ages 22 years and 2 months to 24 years and 10 months: San Jose. I lived in one temporary apartment for a week and 4 actual apartments.
• Ages 24 years and 10 months to now (30 years and 8 months): Oakland. I’ve been shacked up with Seppo at the Money Pit all these years. Wow, in about 8 months, this will be the longest residence I’ve lived in, ever.

I lived in Korea only 7 years and 2 months of my life. I lived in Philadelphia just under a third of my life. But those were my formative years; I identify strongly as a Korean American from Philly.

I’ve been here for almost a decade now. But I don’t identify as a Californian. It feels like a place I’m still just getting used to, somewhere I’m resting while I gear up to go somewhere else. I know I’ve changed, that I’m not the same person who grew up in Philly. I know I’ve mellowed out, become less sarcastic, less likely to cast the evil eye. I know that I’ve grown more friendly, that I don’t have the edge that fellow Philadelphians would recognize.

I feel a little sad. It’s like I’ve lost a little bit of me, but haven’t found a way to fill it back up in just the right way.

I like California. In particular, I love the political and social climate of the Bay Area. I love that being an Asian American is so commonplace as to practically be a non-issue. I love that when Seppo and I have kids, people won’t stare as much as they might in a different state/city.

But I still don’t feel like I can claim it. Or that it can claim me as a native daughter. Or that I/it should.