Saying versus Being

Sometimes, I say jerky-sounding things that have nothing to do with what I really mean inside my head. There can be a huge disconnect between how I meant to say something and how I actually ended up saying it.

Sometimes,I am a jerk. Last weekend, I was in fact an actual jerk. I could have said, “I acted like a jerk,” or “I behaved like a jerk,” but both of those statements leave wiggle room to claim that my behavior did not bear out my internal state of mind. I could blame stress, but it doesn’t change the fact of it: I was a big jerko. I not only said a bunch of highly arrogant things that were insulting to another individual who was present (for whom I had no ill will), on reflection it is clear that I actually believed what I was saying at the time.

Afterwards, I agonized over my words and my actions (worse to the recipient of said words and actions) and my state of mind (worse to my self-regard). I don’t want to be arrogant. I don’t want to be a jerk. I don’t want to try to make others feel bad. I don’t want to say things I haven’t thought through and cause collateral damage in the process.

I don’t mind insulting people on occasion — not always, but there are times when I mean it and want to. However, I DO mind when the person doesn’t deserve it at all and I didn’t even think it out enough to realize it would be insulting. It should have been obvious before the fact though.

It’s made me look at myself in a new light. I’ve always been very confident about my own abilities, but I don’t know what drove me to boast and be insulting, and I want to fix that.