introspection

it’s kind of startling when you catch yourself doing/being/feeling things you don’t like. two things i’d change about the world and myself:

– more empathy

– less self-pity

i never liked self-pity, either in myself or in other people. i am not sure if it’s just me, but it feels like it’s not that hard to control your emotions and outlook. in the last several years, i think i had forgotten that. you can look out at a hot day and complain about it, or you can enjoy the warmth on your skin and the sun shining down on your head and know you can’t have that in the winter. you can complain about the cold snow and having to dig your car out from under the sludge, or you can marvel at the forces of nature that can create such a beautiful and fleeting blank canvas. you can say, “Oh, how crappy my life is,” and lament everything you don’t have, or you can say, “Oh, how full of loved ones my life is,” and enjoy your day to day existence and choose to feel every moment.

you can choose to burn bridges, or you can build them up. you can dwell on the bad, or dwell on the good and make plans to improve the bad.

it’s been too easy to seethe in anger and hatred and frustration at the world, at politics, and at family, but what does that do for me, except debase my own character, hold myself back from enjoying a more emotionally fulfilling life? why tit-for-tat when you can forgive and move on in the cases of things i have no impact on? i can enact change in things i do have an impact on, but i don’t need to be held back by loathing. i am choosing to move on.

it’s frustrating at times when you see people you care deeply about going through bouts of self-pity. because i love them, i want to help, but it’s hard to help when someone feels bad about themselves or their situation. the only thing that works for me is to tell myself to stop, and i do, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone. it can’t, because people are built differently. i don’t know what creates that difference in people, but i wish i could flip a switch that lets people see what they do have, and not what they don’t have. being an optimist is not about denying reality. it’s about seeing reality, then choosing to not let the bad things take over your life and cast a shadow over the good things, and choosing to honestly appreciate the latter. i want to look back on my life and not have to regret having glossed over happy moments and complained about things that mean nothing in the end. i want to look back and know that i didn’t let a single happy moment go by unnoticed.